[8 minute read]

My colleague had been having trouble with her new laptop for a few weeks. The browser wasn’t working properly, causing her problems whenever she used it. Week after week she struggled with it. She and other office staff tried several times to get it working properly—changing settings, clearing the cache, running diagnostics. Nothing worked. Some programs worked well, and the problems were not bad enough to replace the computer, although she may have begun to consider that option.

Then one day she announced that—as a last-ditch effort—she had taken it in to the computer store. She excitedly shared that in 15 minutes, “poof!” they had it fixed. It was “like a new computer!” She said how much she regretted the hours she and the other staff had spent struggling with it on their own, not accessing the help that was available. She urged the rest of us not to wait like she did before accessing help should we run into computer trouble.

Comparing Apples to Relationships

As I think about her experience, I can’t help but relate it to the experiences so many of us have in our relationships. As with computer troubles, it is almost inevitable that we will run into some type of difficulties in our intimate relationships despite our best efforts and intentions.

Some difficulties might be easily addressed when couples notice what is happening, run a quick diagnostic, so to speak, and make the adjustments they need. But far too often I hear about marriages that are just not running optimally. Maybe certain programs are no longer functioning: loving conversations are no longer happening, or the sexual intimacy is no longer working well, and previously playful interactions now feel sluggish.

Usually, at least one partner is aware of the problem and tries to fix it, trying any number of creative ways to reboot intimacy, reinstall playfulness and fun, clear the cache of hurtful history, or ask for a serious diagnostic conversation. Partners may buy books about how to restart romance, download conflict resolution skills, and talk to friends about what else to try.  

Couples Often Wait Years before Seeking Help

Couples often find themselves growing increasingly frustrated or resigned with their struggling relationships, perhaps thinking they aren’t bad enough to replace, although they might be beginning to consider that option. And this can continue, often for years, before they decide as a last-ditch effort to take it in for an expert’s help.

In fact John Gottman, a highly regarded researcher and expert in couple relationships, has found that, on average, couples don’t seek counselling until six years after they first notice problems in their relationship. Six years of struggling on their own, perhaps not even realizing that help is available. Six years without recognizing that if they had spent time with a relationship specialist, they could have problems fixed, past hurts repaired and forgiven, and maybe even come out feeling that it is “like a new relationship.”

Relationship Maintenance and Repairs

As a couple therapist, I am privileged to help couples in their relationship work. I often see the joy and excitement when couples, near the end of counselling, recognize that their relationships are vibrant again, full of life and energy.

I hear too, the expressions of regret when couples think of the years they spent needlessly struggling with problems on their own, not knowing or accessing the help that is available. I hear them wondering how things might have been different if they hadn’t waited so long to get help—how much better the last few years could have been for them and their family.

What if it didn’t need to be that way? What if we could develop a different attitude to counselling? What if it were to become a first or second-ditch effort, instead of a last-ditch effort? What if it became as routine and accepted as consulting a dentist, naturopath, or massage therapist? What if couples could get the bugs out of their relationships within weeks or months of noticing them, rather than waiting years? And think of how much shorter counselling could take if couples didn’t have six years or more of accumulated hurts, conflict and negativity piled up.

Chris and Jamie

Chris and Jamie are one such couple. They both work full time, are involved in their church, and are raising their two young sons together. If asked, they would both say they are happily married—it’s not like they want to get a divorce or anything. But lately Jamie and Chris have noticed that their relationship has been feeling a bit more like hard work.

Over the past year or so, they’ve noticed that conversations are more likely to turn sharp, and misunderstandings have been happening more frequently. After another day of rushing home from work, picking up their kids from childcare, and scrambling to get a quick supper ready before the demanding evening bath and bedtime routine, Chris says to Jamie, “I feel like I’m doing everything on my own, like you’re not even there for me.”

In response, Jamie tries even harder to help meet the family’s needs, fitting in a quick grocery run on the way home from work, arriving late for supper. And after Chris points out that Jamie got the wrong size diapers for their youngest, Jamie might say “I can’t do anything right anymore—everything I try to do is seen as wrong, or not good enough.”

The relationship has lost some of its laughter and joy. Chris and Jamie wonder if that’s just how it is when the honeymoon is over, or when kids arrive. Bewildered and hurt, they try to talk about what is going wrong, but give up when they find themselves repeating the same accusations and explanations, which don’t seem to help.

Connection and Attachment

Relationships, at their core, are all about connection and attachment. As relationship researcher and therapist Sue Johnson explains, each one of us longs to know there is someone special who cares for us, who will be there for us, and that we matter to that person in a particular and intimate way. Like Jamie and Chris, we long to know that our loved one appreciates us and recognizes us as capable and competent.

Conflict in relationships generally has to do with a concern about the connection breaking down, even if it sounds on the surface like it is just about buying the wrong diaper size. Conflict is usually a form of protest about distance or disconnection creeping into the relationship. When Jamie forgets the current diaper size or comes home late for supper, to Chris it means that Jamie doesn’t value the things that are important to Chris and to the family. Chris feels unheard and devalued. And when Chris tries to explain this, Jamie hears it as a message of “you aren’t competent.”

Interactions like this often settle into a repeated negative interaction pattern which both partners get drawn into. Most often, one partner pursues for connection, although often in negative and critical ways, while the other gets defensive or distant in an effort to cool down the conflict. Jamie shares concerns about diapers and bath time as a way of trying to reconnect with Chris, but Chris hears it as criticism, and becomes more cautious about getting involved in these family matters. This creates a pursue-withdraw pattern, one of the most common patterns couples develop.

If not addressed, this pattern can become further entrenched. Over time, the interactions can escalate into angry battles, creating a pattern of mutual attack. Some couples eventually find themselves giving up trying to get a response from their partner, and drift into withdraw-withdraw patterns.

Resources for Couples

This is why it is so important to address issues early and keep tending to our relationships and giving them the nurture they need. Fortunately, there are many resources now available for couples, from weekend retreats to counselling, that can provide that extra tech support and expertise that we generally don’t have ourselves.

Some of the best resources for couples are those developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. Her book Hold Me Tight® is a self-help book designed to help couples understand attachment and conflict. It guides them through seven key conversations that can turn relationships around. For those who find it hard to work through self-help books on their own, there is a workshop format in which trained counsellors introduce the information and then arrange for couples to go off in a private space to have the conversations that would help them. Run either as weekly meetings or as a weekend retreat, these workshops are an excellent way for couples to do some relationship maintenance and conversational skill upgrades in an intentional way and in a supportive setting.

Chris and Jamie decide to go on a weekend Hold Me Tight® retreat. They learn about the importance of emotional responsiveness, and how couples can be there for each other in their day-to-day interactions. They learn how to identify some of the negative interaction patterns that have crept into their relationship. They talk about their raw spots that leave them so vulnerable to hurt or irritation, and they begin to understand the importance of working through and forgiving some past hurts in their relationship.

And for those couples who recognize that there are some problems creeping in that don’t seem to be going away on their own, and in fact might have already been there for a year or two or six, counselling with a couple therapist familiar with Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy can provide the extra help needed.

Following their experience in the Hold Me Tight®  workshop, Jamie and Chris recognize that they could benefit from a few couple counselling sessions. They continue to learn ways to interrupt the negative interaction patterns and replace them with more positive ones. Jamie says, “I feel like Chris trusts me to handle things again, and values what I bring to the family.” And Chris, no longer feeling alone and unheard, talks about how laughter and joy have come back to their family, now that they are feeling connected again.

While the example above highlights Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy approach and related Hold Me Tight® workshops, there are many other valuable and effective approaches to couple therapy. Other therapy models or approaches couples may find helpful include Narrative Therapy, Solution-Focused Brief Therapy, and Family Systems Therapy approaches, to name a few. 

It is important for couples to feel like they have a good fit with the therapist and the approach they use, and if needed, to shop around for the right therapist with the right approach in order to find one that works well for them. 

The good news is that there are a number of great resources to help us when we need it. Take a look at the list below for some suggestions.

Susan Winter Fledderus is a Clinical Therapist with Shalem Mental Health Network

“Hold Me Tight®” is a registered trademark to Sue Johnson.

Resources

Help for when you need help:

• • Book: Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

  • Hold Me Tight® Workshops are offered through Shalem. You can find more information here. Or a local workshop closer to you.

  • Shalem offers individual, couple and family therapy, using a variety of approaches, including Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy

  • Other ways to find an Emotionally Focused Couple Therapist 

There are so many additional online resources for the range of emotional and relational topics we are facing, far too many to list here. A quick google search is likely to point you to resources that you could use.