[5 minute read]

At the mention of suicide, I imagine that many people don’t register the word. I’ve learned that the topic has a way of diverting our gaze, triggering avoidance of an unpleasant topic if we’re having a good day. For others of us, we are keenly aware of the reality of suicide, sensitive to the word, as it elicits deeply painful images and memories, throwing a curveball into our day.

Talking about suicide can feel like stepping into a storm — unsettling, unpredictable, and frightening. For some, the storm is one they can weather with support, resources, and hope. For others, the storm is so fierce that they lose sight of land, disoriented and overwhelmed. Suicide is often less about weakness and more about being caught in a storm that feels impossible to survive.

Our effort to avoid this storm can impact our ability to help each other when we are struggling.

A term often used in faith circles to describe despair is the “dark night of the soul.” It’s a very old term coined by a writer from the 1500s, St. John of the Cross. He was a Spanish priest who lived through conflict in his faith community, leading to his imprisonment and isolation. He described a kind of inner storm — a collapse of meaning and hope — that left him disoriented and in despair. His journey of spiritual healing was marked by painful times of doubt, guilt and isolation, before his faith was restored and he again experienced closeness with God.

St. John of the Cross was not alone. Like him, for many people the “dark night of the soul” is a place of despair through which healing comes. But for others, the darkness ends in tragedy. Some of us, in the grip of awful despair, unable to see a solution, consider death as a way of escaping our pain.

Being Affected by Suicide

Most of us have been affected in some way by suicide, either in our personal experience, or through knowing someone else who has experienced suicidal thoughts or behaviours. We remember our first encounter with it.

When we learn about an acquaintance, friend, or family member who has lost their life to suicide, we are often horrified and left confused, sad, angry and perhaps feeling some guilt.

Many people I meet who have known someone who has died of suicide are deeply confused by the choice to die. Why would someone consider suicide, we wonder? We may have never experienced a pain so severe as to make suicide an attractive option. Likely too, the supports and coping strategies available to us when we need them have been adequate to cope with our own severe pain. It may be that during our own seasons of despair, our minds have remained sharp, able to hold on to hope.

But when we have lost hope that our situation will change, then we are vulnerable to suicidal thoughts. The idea of suicide then becomes a simple means of stopping the pain that we believe will never go away.

It’s like being caught in a storm at sea: some of us have lifeboats, compasses, or companions who guide us safely through. Others find themselves tossed about, with no equipment strong enough for the waves. In that place, suicide can appear like the only way to end the storm.

The uncomfortable reality is that these deep struggles are happening all the time in our communities. In the house next door, the desk beside us, in the pew behind us – people are wrestling with the impact of suicide or with thoughts of suicide.

You yourself may also have a very personal encounter with suicide, with your own thoughts of hopelessness and desire for escape. You may know first-hand the pain and despair of trying to weather an overwhelming storm. If this is the case for you, you are not alone. There is hope and help available. Check out the resources at the end of this article for help at any time of the day or night.

Suicide by the numbers

• For every person who dies of suicide, 7-10 people will be significantly impacted in their personal lives by the loss.
• The number of people who reported active thoughts of suicide doubled during the pandemic.
• Suicide is the second leading cause of death among youth and young adults (15-34 years).
• Suicide rates are approximately 3 times higher among men compared to women.
• LGBTQ+ people are 2x more likely to have suicidal behaviour.

Populations most at risk of suicide:

• men and boys
• people serving federal sentences
• survivors of suicide loss and survivors of a suicide attempt
• some First Nation and Métis communities, especially among youth people who live in Inuit regions in Canada
• People with significant mental illnesses can be at risk for suicide, as mental illness impacts our mind’s ability to cope, problem-solve or see hope
• The use of alcohol or drugs lowers life-saving inhibitions
• Serious physical illness, such as chronic pain, cancer, or degenerative diseases, can also make us vulnerable
• Those of us who have suffered a major loss – a death, a job loss, divorce, or relocation – are at an increased risk. Such losses can impact our ability to cope especially if what we have lost was our key source of coping. For example, losing a spouse can make us vulnerable if the lost spouse had acted as our sole source of support to help us cope.
• If we have a family history of suicide, we are at a higher risk of self-harm
• Impulsive personalities are more likely to attempt
• People with easy access to lethal means of suicide, like weapons or medication are at higher risk

Raising the Subject

Despite the discomfort, we want to address the topic. Let’s start the conversation. One of the most harmful aspects of suicide is the silence within which we cloak it. The silence can create a profound sense of shame among those who have suicidal thoughts: “no one talks about this – I must be the only one with these crazy dark thoughts. I should keep them to myself. I don’t want to bother anyone.”

One way of describing the pain is to imagine a large hand held so close to one’s face that it blocks out the light. As the hand moves in, we first lose sight of our surroundings, then of the periphery. Finally, as it wraps itself around our face, we lose all light. Our vision is gone and we see only the dark. We see no loving family, we see no solutions, we see no hope for change. Emotionally, this type of pain and loss of hope can be called despair. It can feel like the storm has closed in entirely, shutting out every glimpse of sky or horizon. It may be what St. John the Cross was describing of. In this place, with no way to see light, there is only hopelessness.

If we ourselves have not experienced that complete loss of light, we can’t know how suicide can make sense in the darkest of places. Yet, standing in light, we can see the landscape in front of us. We can hold hope and offer it to those in despair.

I want to help

Looking for a way to help?  A group in Calgary called LivingWorks has become a world leader in suicide prevention. They are a dynamic organization that grew out of volunteer work being done at the Canadian Mental Health Association in the 1980s, and they’ve created several ways of equipping community members to respond to suicide. They have  SafeTalk presentation for community groups that teaches about risk, what to watch out for and what to do if you’re worrid about someone. They have an online Faith program for Christian Faith Leaders. They also created a two-day “ASIST” training (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training) which is now considered “best practice” in suicide prevention, and they train groups all over the world.

This program is like learning first aid, but for suicidal thoughts. Like first aid and CPR, if you’re standing at a bus-stop on your way to work, and you fear you’re having a heart attack, you don’t expect to have a heart surgeon beside you, but you hope that someone on the bus knows CPR.  You hope that care will keep you alive until you reach the hospital.

In the same way, with ASIST, Livingworks trains community members to identify the warning signs of suicide, making it far more likely to catch people in distress and help them access the supports they need in time. This is not about training therapists. It’s about training anyone in our communities who connects with the public – all of us!

Shalem has found ASIST so effective that we’ve adopted it as our preferred way of intervening during moments of suicide crisis. All of our staff have been trained in the model, and we are currently considering becoming trainers ourselves, able to travel to schools, churches and community groups across Ontario to train people to use its first aid techniques.

Signs and Symptoms

What then do we look for? There are signs and symptoms of suicidality. Not everyone who thinks about or speaks of suicide attempts suicide, but most who die by suicide have previously reached out to someone about it. Any reference to suicide is worth taking seriously.

A sudden change of mood or behaviour, or social withdrawal are significant signs, as is a discussion of hopelessness or helplessness. Other signs are actions that may be construed as preparing for the end of life, like giving away possessions or pets, or preparing a will in the midst of a depression.

There is Hope!

We may feel that the feelings of despair and suicide are so overwhelming that we are reluctant to hold hope and hesitant to start a conversation about it. But there is hope! People choose life every day, often because a loved one or member of their community has reached out.

A senior official at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto once wisely said, “Fear of mental illness still comes from the myth many people have that it’s untreatable. Available treatments for depression, for example, probably have better outcomes than those for high blood pressure.”

Henry Nouwen spoke to the type of care that is needed in the storm. “When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain.”

Like people standing on the shore in the midst of a storm, we may not be able to calm the sea — but we can throw a lifeline, shine a light, or walk beside someone until the storm passes. In the Christian story, Jesus calms storms and brings peace; in life, we can reflect that peace by being present with others in their hardest moments. Reaching out, even in small ways, can help someone rediscover land when they cannot see it themselves. Let’s talk.

Jennifer Bowen M.Div., R.M.F.T., RP serves as Shalem’s Executive Director

You Are Not Alone

If you are someone fighting to cope, you may feel alone, but there are people who care about you. The thoughts that tell you that you are alone are likely distortions of depression. Depression is a horrible liar. Please ask for help.

• Reach out to anyone in your life that you feel safe with and tell them that you need help.

• Bring this article with you, if that makes the conversation easier.

• Tell your doctor, your pastor, your family or friends.

• If you are not comfortable with any of those options, call 911 or go to your local emergency department and tell someone you are having thoughts of suicide and need help.

• Use the crisis resources listed on our website.

• Call a counsellor at Shalem or elsewhere.

• If connected to Shalem’s Counselling Assistance Plan (CAP), make a confidential call to the CAP Intake number, 1-866-347-0041, to be connected anonymously to a local counsellor, at no cost to you.

• No one deserves to be in the kind of pain and fear you are living with. With support and treatment, you can get better. You can find hope again.