[6 minute read]

Melissa* turned off the car’s engine and stared up at the house in front of her. Her house. The home she had with her husband John*. She would have to go in there and tell John what she had been doing. She had broken his trust in the worst way, and he could choose never to forgive her. She had ended the affair tonight, finally realizing that she couldn’t continue this way. What will happen to her marriage, to her life now?

John looked out the window at his wife, sitting in her car. She had told him she needed to talk and John knew in his heart what she was going to say. He had just found out about the affair and as much as he wanted to deny that it was true, he could hear it in her voice. He was about to have the worst conversation of his life with the person he loves most in this world.

For the partner who was cheated on, when they learn that the person they love has broken their trust and engaged in an affair, they have some big decisions to make. They are grieving the loss of trust that was a part of their marriage before and they are looking at an uncertain future – do they rebuild with their current partner, or do they end the relationship?

For the partner who has engaged in an affair, there may be similar questions and decisions. In looking back, why did they make this choice? Were they not happy in their marriage and if so, why not? Can this be repaired? Would it be possible to look at what wasn’t working while also working to repair the hurts that their betrayal caused?

These are not easy questions to answer – and each relationship will have different pressures and potentials for reconnection.

Was the marriage a happy one before the affair?

There is often an assumption that ‘it takes two’ – both partners are at fault when an affair happens. Sometimes this is true, but this is not always the case.

A lot of research has been done about how we build and repair romantic bonds with people. This research also helps us understand it isn’t something that ‘happens to us’ – we are active participants in the bonding experience. One partner can decide to build a new bond with someone else even while the original partnership continues to be a solid, healthy one.

An affair can start between two people who spend a lot of time together and build a bond of trust (best friends, work colleagues, etc.). Leaning on each other and being vulnerable with each other can begin to create a deepening bond between two people. Leaning into this bond and prioritizing it over the bond of marriage can be a choice one partner makes.

Regardless of why the affair happened, the impact of the affair can feel incredibly overwhelming. There are feelings of shock, anger, sadness and deep hurt. For the person who was betrayed, the one person they trusted most in this world has destroyed that trust and this is so very painful.

Is my partner truly remorseful?

Sometimes the partner who had the affair will recognize what has happened and express deep remorse. There may be acknowledgement about what has been done, the harm that has been caused to the relationship and understanding of the pain and hurt that this has caused. The betraying partner might be able to sit with their spouse in their pain and accept responsibility for the damage done to their relationship. Partners may even be able to lean supportively on each other as they work towards healing.

Still, this will not be easy, nor is it a quick process. Supportive couple’s therapy can be a huge help in providing a safe space for both partners to talk through this pain.

Sometimes the betraying partner doesn’t recognize the damage that the affair has caused to the relationship. Expectations to “get over it” or “be more forgiving” can feel like pressure to the person who was cheated on, pressure to hasten their recovery or to minimize the impact of what has happened. Truthfully, getting over an affair can take years.

Restoration of the relationship will take more than just recognition of the harm done. It will require improved accountability and trust building, and re-examining the relationship dynamics to ensure safety for everyone. Having an unrealistic expectation that this can resolve quickly can lead to lasting negative impacts on a marriage.

The person who was cheated on might stuff their hurt feelings down, slowly building resentment over time, increasing the negative impact of the affair instead of healing from it. The person who had the affair may not fully understand the impact on the relationship and continue to engage in behaviours that feel harmful to their partner, also increasing the negative impact of the affair instead of healing from it.

Do I have support?

Are there people both partners can turn to who will help them with the pain that they are both feeling? Do they have family, friends, a faith community, or others they can confide in?

After discovering and acknowledging that the affair has happened, both partners can feel like their entire world is collapsing. The beliefs that they held, their future, their past, all are coming into question. This has been a really significant loss and big feelings will accompany this – feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, and overwhelming grief.

If both partners have others they can lean on to help them through this, they will be able to manage this pain more easily. Allowing oneself to experience the sadness and work through it without holding back is a really important part of the healing process. If the betraying partner is truly remorseful, they can provide this support to their spouse as well. This is also a time when having good individual therapy can be very helpful.

With supportive care, and through allowing themselves to feel the pain of this experience, each partner can move towards acceptance and begin to make peace with what happened. They will be able to make healthy changes for themselves and their future.

I want to want to forgive, but can I?

This can be a challenging thing to face – forgiveness. Often the person who has been cheated on is filled with self-blame and recrimination alongside the hurt and anger that is directed at the partner. The person who cheated may also be dealing with feelings of shame and self-anger. Recognizing that forgiveness is helpful for one’s own healing can assist with this.

Forgiveness does not mean that someone forgets that they were cheated on; it means that despite their partner’s actions, they can extend grace to them as a person. Forgiveness does not require that they continue in a relationship that is unhealthy. If our partner is truly remorseful, forgiveness can come easier for the one who was hurt. If not, setting healthy boundaries for themselves that ensure their safety first will improve their ability to heal.

When it happens, forgiveness often follows full acceptance of what happened. When someone is truly able to face what the affair has meant for their life and the life of their relationship with their partner, forgiveness can flow from this.

Decision making is personal

After an affair, each partner will have some big decisions to make. Often, the biggest one is should they stay or should they go? Lots of factors will play into this decision: can trust be built between them again? Do they share a vision for the future? What is the extent and nature of the infidelity? To what extent can full repair of the relationship happen?

Besides this, there are also a lot of other decisions. If partners stay together, what do they need from the relationship to feel safe again? What has to happen for them to be able to build trust with each other as partners again?

If one partner does decide to leave, what are their needs and expectations going forward? What boundaries should they put in place to protect their safety and to encourage mutual respect between the two of them as former partners? What do they need for themself as an independent person again – what honours their values, their goals for the future?

Reconnection and building something new

If someone choses to end the relationship, they are not the same people they were before the affair. Their experiences will have a lasting impact on future relationships, on building trust with others. They will carry scars forward into future relationships. These scars can heal with time, love and support.

If both spouses chose to continue in the relationship, they are not the same people they were before the affair. They will need to meet again as new people who have no more secrets. They will need to work together to build lasting trust into their relationship. They will have scars that they have recognized, shared pain that they will have worked through together, and the knowledge that their love is stronger than the pain of the affair. Mutual respect and a fiercer feeling of protection can be nurtured in both partners.

Bernadine Togeretz MSW, RSW, is a counsellor and registered social worker with Shalem Mental Health Network.

*John and Melissa are purely fictional characters and any comparisons with real clients of Shalem is completely unintentional. Sadly, affairs do happen often so there will be many people who will see themselves in both John and Melissa.

Further Reading